


But Why?

by impish_nature



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Amnesia, Coping, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Memory Loss, post weirdmaggedon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-07
Updated: 2016-08-07
Packaged: 2018-08-07 06:58:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7704862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/impish_nature/pseuds/impish_nature
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No one ever told Mabel the whole story and the thoughts of what happened have been slowly eating away at her.<br/>How did they choose who would have their memory erased?</p>
            </blockquote>





	But Why?

**Author's Note:**

> To go with this here lovely art by @garrulousgibberish Thank you for rambling about the idea with me ^o^ it was amazing and painful and of course I had to write it! Seeing the art just fueled me on homg!  
> http://garrulousgibberish.tumblr.com/post/148558739249/daily-doodle-28-i-still-wonder-if-mabel-knew

“ _Stop saying that_.”

The words slipped out without a thought. They’d been bottled up for so long, fizzling and sparking and practically begging to explode out of her. She’d tried so hard to be objective and not let her emotions take over. Grunkle Ford was right, they needed to let Grunkle Stan remember things on his own but it was just _so hard_. So hard to watch him struggle and wonder – wonder how things could have gone differently, wonder if there was anything she could have done differently.

But it was harder still to listen to their hero talk about himself like he was nothing when her own thoughts spiralled darker and darker. She couldn’t help noticing that one of the little voice in her head was growing more negative every day and growing a hell of a lot louder than the voices trying to tell her that everything would be alright in the end.

Those voices normally won out.

But not today.

Not today when the other voice whispered insidiously and left her shaking that the thought could even enter her head in the first place.

_Why wasn’t it Grunkle Ford? Why did he have to take his place?_

The thought had been oozing, sharp and ice cold at the front of her brain for days no matter how hard she tried to push it down. She didn’t know what had happened while they had been running from Bill, didn’t know why they switched places and decided that this was the only way. She was too scared to ask, too scared of the answer and how she might react to it. Or worse that Grunkle Ford wouldn’t answer at all. That she’d hurt him just by asking.

No matter what she did, the unbidden thoughts kept multiplying.

_Why did we have to lose Grunkle Stan?_

Was she really that bad a person deep down?

_Why?_

And then Grunkle Stan had spoken and everything that had been brewing seemed to bubble out of her mouth.

He had ruffled her hair like any other day and for a second her mind had cleared, soothed by the familiar feeling, shoulders dropping and head leaning into the touch.

“It’s alright sweetie, I know you’re worried but I’m happy, it doesn’t matter how much I remember to me when I seem to have you and your brother around. My life can’t have been that important if I can’t remember much of it, right?”

“Don’t. Don’t say that. You’re our hero, Grunkle Stan, we told you that, remember?” Mabel winced at her own wording but she could feel the words trembling as they came out, unshed tears making her vision blur.

_Why?_

He wasn’t even saying anything out of the ordinary. He normally joked and tried to push the focus off him but today every word bit under her skin deeper than usual, clawed at her heart and mind. It was so like him and not like him all at once. She was so used to him shrugging things off but he _always listened to her_. Always seemed to have a brighter smile when she told him that he deserved the praise, even if he was gruff and rolled his eyes while she hugged him.

_Will we ever get him back? Why? Why? Why-_

“Hey, hey. Come on kid, its fine, don’t give me that face.” Stan leaned in close, pulling her up into a hug that she accepted gratefully as she buried her head into his chest. He tugged her away slightly so he could look her in the eye and her heart raced and fell all at once at the expression he was levelling at her. It was the same expression Mum used to give them that said ‘I won’t be mad as long as you’re honest with me’ but it was hesitant, cautious and part of her was hopeful. So optimistic that he was about to ask her about a dream he’d had or a slip of a memory and want her to tell him truthfully whether he had dreamt it up or if it had really happened. She held her breath, eyes bright and excited.

_This is it, he’s coming back. It’s not just names and faces, he’s remembering things-_

And then he’d had to open his mouth and ruin it.

“You shouldn’t lie, sweetie, it doesn’t suit you. You’re obviously upset but I think I’d remember if I was something all that special.”

“ _Stop saying that_.” A hushed dark whisper left her and made him lean in close, eyebrows furrowing in concentration as he listened intently.

“What was that, Mabel?”

“I said, stop saying that!” The words came out, high pitched and loud as she tore herself away from him. She could hear footsteps echoing nearby but her eyes were blinkered to Stan’s shocked face, his hands twitching slightly as if still expecting her to be there and he didn’t know exactly what to do with them now they weren’t occupied.

“Mabel?”

Her eyes narrowed at the voice but she didn’t turn to him. The voice was slipping through again, the one she kept scolding for what it kept whispering to her.

_Why? Why did he have to- for you- Why?_

She shook her head to dispel it and watched Stan glance over her shoulder, as if asking silently for help and shame burned through her, heating her up from the inside out in self-disgust. What was happening to her? Why couldn’t she keep everyone happy? That was her job! She looked after everyone but she couldn’t do anything right now. Eyes snapped to her as she spoke, she could feel the pair in the back of her head as well as Stan’s as she stared earnestly back at him. “Stop…stop saying that, OK? Stop saying that you’re not important and you’re not special.” She took a short step forward before thinking better of hiding in his embrace again, wanting him to see the truth in her expression. “You’re great Grunkle Stan, just the way you are. You’re our hero, and you’re not allowed to think you’re anything other than that, O-OK?” She sniffled, eyes finally finding Ford standing frozen and distressed in the doorway as if he wasn’t sure on the best approach to the situation. The guilty concerned look on his face only further her fervour. “W-Why?” The word running through her mind over and over finally made its way out but it was obvious from Ford’s lost expression he had no idea what she was asking him. “Why didn’t he think- why _doesn’t_ he think he’s important, Grunkle Ford?”

“Hey now, I didn’t mean to upset you.” Stan spoke before Ford had the chance to try and answer, not wanting the other poor man to get involved in something he had no idea he had any part of. His hands were up, wide and open, trying to placate the now obviously distraught girl but all it did was tear her up further. There was pure regret in his face but there was also disappointment, as if he’d hoped for honesty that she hadn’t provided and it made her want to scream as she realised nothing she had said had got through to him.

“Why don’t you believe me?!”

“You- you’ve been looking so guilty, sweetie. I just wanted you to stop pretending.”

“I’m not! I’m not pretending!” The waterworks were in full swing now and she couldn’t get herself to stop even when her Grunkle Stan looked so ashamed and lost in front of her, hands outstretched but dawdling, too scared to embrace her in case she didn’t want that and it stabbed deep into her chest even more. She sniffled, disgust sitting slimy and low in her stomach. She’d been trying so hard to not let those nasty thoughts show on the outside but Grunkle Stan had noticed! He’d seen her warring with herself over the unknowns and those awful ‘what if?’ thoughts that made her repulsed at herself and had somehow come to the conclusion that she was lying to him. Her? Lying? It just added to the weight in her stomach that told her he really was gone.

He didn’t know her anymore.

She sniffled again, biting her lip to stop herself from bawling. She just wanted to go into sweater town and never resurface again.

“Then why? Why do you look so guilty sometimes, Pumpkin?”

The name choked her up more, a hiccup escaping her as she felt a hand on her shoulder, trying to slowly tug her away before things escalated. “Cause this shouldn’t have happened, Grunkle Stan! You shouldn’t have been made to forget, it’s not fair!”

There was silence at her words, a silence that seemed loud and heavy after her outburst so she looked down at her feet, hoping the floor would swallow her up, or that the atmosphere would just hurry up and crush her already.

“It’s just…not fair.”

“M-Mabel…”

Mabel closed her eyes tight at the endearing voice of her Grunkle. She couldn’t look at him, not after all that. She knew she’d made things worse, she just hadn’t been in control. Everything was too much and she just wanted him back already. Why was it taking so long? Grunkle Ford said it might never happen but she couldn’t believe that, she just couldn’t! There was no way he wasn’t coming back to her!

He couldn’t…couldn’t leave her like this. It wasn’t fair!

“Mabel, how about we leave Stan to it for today? I think he could use some time alone.”

She nodded at Ford’s soft pleading voice, let his hand nudge her towards the door. She gripped the wood tight when she got there, glancing around at Stan once more, scared of what she had done. Her heart plummeted, hands shaking as she ducked her head. He was curled forward in his chair, elbows leaning on his knees and head in his hands.

She’d caused that.

All because she couldn’t keep her mouth shut and be grateful that everyone was alive. All because just this once she couldn’t look on the bright side and keep going.

“I’m sorry.” A warble of a whisper left her and she saw just for a brief second how her Grunkle shook his head in response and knew that he blamed himself and not her for the outburst.

It only served to eat away at her more.

_Why is any of this happening?_

 

* * *

 

“Mabel, sweetie, I know that-”

“Don’t call me that.”

There was an echoing beat of silence before Mabel clapped a hand over her mouth, eyes widening at what had come out in a fit of irritation. She could feel her lip trembling at the mere thought of what she’d just done, at her Grunkle’s puzzled expression before realisation clicked in and a flash of hurt formed on his face for just a moment.

_This isn’t me. What’s happening to me?_

“O-of course, that’s his- I’m sorry Mabel.’

“No! No, I didn’t mean-” She sniffed, her hands shaking as she pulled them away from her face. She couldn’t help the hysterical giggle rising up her throat at her Grunkle’s perplexed face even as it shifted into alarm at the unexpected noise.

_I’ve confused the Author. Who knew? I thought he understood everything._

_Why is this so hard?_

The ironic giggle vanished at the second thought, seeping in slow and worryingly. What if he never understood? What if none of them did? They were all coping, trying so hard, but she just couldn’t! Not with all these questions running through her head.

And she couldn’t even ask the questions because they were terrible questions that she didn’t really want the answer to, because the answers could change everything and then what would she do? Or it would show everyone what she was really like on the inside, and she wasn’t sure she wanted anyone to see that.

“Mabel?”

Mabel blinked, glancing back up at Ford’s troubled expression. Her eyes watered. She’d forgotten he was even there, getting lost in her own mind and yet somehow that he seemed to understand, his face shifting as something seemed to click and he sat down properly in front of her.

“You’re overthinking. What’s going on inside that head of yours?”

“I don’t know where…”

Ford smiled sadly, reassurance and understanding etched into every atom of his body and it just made her feel 10 times worse for where her thoughts were headed. “Sometimes the start is the hardest part.”

Mabel stared at him for a few more moments, her mind whirring away. All the questions she wanted to ask were on the tip of her tongue, all the little comments that she needed him to respond to were just there waiting to be unleashed.

_Why did he-? Why did you-? What would have-? Was there any other way?_

_I don’t know why you switched._

She blinked and opened her mouth, face determined and then she saw him again. The open expression, the insistent thought process she could almost see that said he just wanted to help her, just like she always wanted to help them. He didn’t deserve anything that had happened to Grunkle Stan, neither of them deserved it. So what did any of her questions even amount to? What did they say about her that she was questioning who deserved to have their mind erased?

_I just want to know how you chose. Did he really think he was less important?_

_Did he think you were worth saving and he wasn’t?_

_Why didn’t you tell him otherwise?_

_Why did you let him take your place?_

Tears dribbled down her cheeks and Ford’s face twisted into panic that made her hate herself even more.

“T-The Unicorn was right, I’m a terrible person.”

 

* * *

 

Ford had no idea what was going on. All he knew was that his little niece was struggling and he had to fix that. Whatever she was burdening herself with had to be solved so she could be her bright happy self again.

Though the more he thought about it, given current circumstances…he’d settle for knowing she was OK and felt confident to come talk to him when she wasn’t.

Not this sudden explosion of pain that spoke of hours and hours overthinking and bottling up whatever was eating away at her spirit.

His eyes widened at the sudden confession. He didn’t know what he’d been expecting but that certainly had not been it. He stared at her for a few more moments as the tears shuddered through her until he snapped out of his shock and realised she was getting to the point of no return where she couldn’t speak through the sadness coursing through her. “Hey, hey, honey, come here.” He wrapped his arms around her, the words spilling out without thought. Part of him sounded an alarm bell that she’d pull away, tell him off for using a pet name but if anything she just clung to him tighter, head shaking against his shoulder as if she craved the comfort but didn’t think she deserved it. It hurt his heart to see her like this, his little star so disappointed in herself. “Now what’s all this about? I thought you realised that nothing that Unicorn said was worth listening to?”

“B-But she was right! I’m an awful, horrible person and I don’t know what to do!”

“Now you stop that.” He gripped her tighter, feeling his shoulder grow damper with every second as she sniffled. “You’re the brightest spark I’ve ever met. What in the multiverse has made you think you’re a bad person? You don’t have a bad bone in you.”

He winced as the head shaking grew stronger, a small sad noise escaping her.

For some reason his reassurances weren’t helping, obviously there was more to it but he didn’t know what else to say.

He smiled as a thought came to him. He tugged her away slightly to look her in the eye, wiping away the tears when she tried to avoid eye contact. “Hey, you look at me.” He smiled softly when she did so, lips still downturned and scared, as if he was about to realise that he was completely wrong about her. “Why don’t you believe me?”

She let out a shaking breath at his words, her tears slowing as she contemplated the words. “But I don’t feel like a good person…”

“Well that happens. Sometimes you can’t see what everyone else can.” Ford leaned in, prodding her on the nose and getting a startled laugh out of her. “But I know you are and so does everyone else. None of us are pretending.”

“Grunkle Stan…”

“Isn’t angry at you at all.”

“No but he’s going to get upset at himself and it’s all my fault.”

“It’s not your fault, you just wanted him to see that he’s special. I wish I could make him believe that too.” Ford lifted her chin up, his own smile wobbly at what he’d heard standing in the doorway. “It’s OK to not be OK, Mabel. Just come to me when you’re feeling that way? Stan’s…”

“Grunkle Stan’s not himself, that’s the problem.” Mabel sighed, a deep weary sound that made his stomach clench up.

She sounded far too old.

“I know, I know, honey. I wish it could be any other way but I don’t know…” He let out a shaky breath, knowing he was being watched carefully. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath in and stared down at her, not wanting her to see his pain but knowing it was necessary. “I don’t know what to do either. We’ve got to wait for him to come back to us, we can’t force it.”

Mabel blinked at him for a few moments, her face warring with whatever was slipping through her mind as her mouth opened and closed. He waited patiently but instead she buried herself back into his embrace again, words muffling against his shoulder.

“That’s why I’m a terrible person.”

“Why? Because you want to force it? I understand the impatience-”

“No.” Mabel interrupted him, Ford’s mouth snapping shut quickly if she was ready to talk. “No, I don’t want to force it.” There was silence for a few moments as she formulated her thoughts.

“I just keep wondering if there was any other way.”

“Dwelling on ‘What ifs’?” Ford sighed as Mabel nodded.

“I know- I know we can’t change anything but I just keep questioning what else we could have done. What else _I_ could have done.”

“You did everything you could. I know it doesn’t feel like it but we won, Mabel.” Ford waited but she stayed silent. He bit his lip, mind struggling with what to say. “Now, Mabel, this obviously isn’t all of it. You’re not telling me everything. Just say what’s on your mind, I won’t judge you for whatever you’ve been thinking. What else do you think we could have done?”

“I don’t know how you chose.”

Ford blinked, feeling her lock up into him. She clearly hadn’t meant to say a word and was now regretting it as she curled further into a ball. “Chose? Chose what, Mabel?”

Mabel unfurled a bit, frustration winning out as she realised that she wasn’t being understood. “I don’t know how you chose! How? How did you decide?”

“Decide? Mabel-”

“I don’t know why you switched.”

Silence reigned between them. Ford tried to formulate a response but his brain was short circuiting and he could feel Mabel withdrawing further and further with every passing heartbeat. “I don’t- I don’t understand, Mabel.”

Mabel flung herself away from him, but his arms caught her before she got too far away even as her voice wobbled and pleaded to flee. “No! Wait! I didn’t mean- I’m sorry! I’m so sorry.”

“Mabel, stop. Stop please. I don’t understand what you’re asking me.” Ford tugged at her hands as her nails dug into her palms, eyes dancing over her guilt-stricken face.

She sniffled at him, eyes darting away. “I get it. I get that he was trying to protect you, protect us. But I don’t understand how you chose. How did you choose that he’d take your place? Why did you switch?” Her eyes locked on to his as the last words slipped out, hands trying and failing to leave his grip as she went again to cover her mouth. “ _No_. That’s not what I wanted to say! I don’t want you to be in that position either, I don’t want either of you gone but I don’t understand how you chose and it’s driving me mad-”

“Hey, shh, shh, it’s OK. I’ll answer anything I can but I’m sorry, honey, you’ve lost me. It had to be Stan, there was no other way.”

Mabel’s expression shifted, the guilt vanishing to be replaced by a dark anger, an expression he never expected to see on her face or levelled at him. His breath caught in his chest at her outburst, ice clouding in his veins.

“Why? Why was there no other way? Why was your mind worth saving and his wasn’t?!”

“I don’t- Mabel, that’s not what I meant at all. His mind is worth so much. I wish- god, I wish it could have been the other way round.” Ford felt her pull away from him, unable to stop her this time as his mind spun. What was he missing? What was _she_ missing? The dots weren’t connecting, the puzzle pieces not falling into place and until he knew what was going on he knew that every word could make it worse. He sat for a second, mouth playing with the words behind it until he caved and said the only thing that came to mind.

“Mabel, Stan couldn’t have erased my mind.”

Mabel gasped, her lip quivering more as her little hands tightened into fists at her sides. Her body shook with a disappointed fury at him, eyes sharp and hurt.

“But you could erase him? You could do that to him knowing he could never- _would_ never do that to you-”

“Wait, wait, Mabel, that’s not what I meant!”

“Then what _did_ you mean?”

That’s when it all clicked. Ford’s eyes widened as everything fell into place and he ended up staring at Mabel as all the separate sentences flowed together into a sudden vision of the cohesive worry in Mabel’s mind.

_She doesn’t know. Oh god, she doesn’t know that my mind is Bill proofed._

“Mabel, Stan literally could not erase my mind with the memory gun.” Mabel glared at him, mouth opening as he put a hand up placatingly. “No, no, honestly. My mind _can’t_ be erased.”

“Wait, what?”

Ford tapped on his head, a metal sound ringing out that she felt the need to investigate herself, hands fumbling around in his scalp in curiosity that he couldn’t help drily laughing at, though the sound quickly died. “I didn’t realise, I’m so sorry, Mabel. I thought you all knew.”

“Knew what? I still don’t get it.” Mabel grumped, falling back to sit cross legged in front of him, eyebrows furrowed and mouth tight and small.

_Why does that expression remind me of Stan so much? Stubborn and resilient even when nothing made sense._

Ford shook the thought from his mind, hand reaching up to the metal plate in his skull. “I- I made a deal with Bill, years ago-” Ford winced as Mabel jolted, eyes wide and surprised. _Oh no, she doesn’t even know that, oh no, why didn’t I think? Of course, I’ve never sat down with her-_ “Right OK, a lot that hasn’t been explained. Right, sorry. I’ll skim the details.”

“Wait, you’re _still_ going to keep things from me?”

Ford shook his head at the insinuation, the pain in her voice biting under his skin and hissing dangerously in his thoughts. “No, no, I just- some of it’s a bit gruesome. I don’t want to burden you.”

“Gruesome? Like Dipper’s bad horror movies gruesome? Or…Weirdmaggedon gruesome?”

Ford chuckled at the scale, shaking his head before he grimaced. “Uhh, closer to Weirdmaggedon gruesome.”

Mabel nodded, biting her lip. “OK, let’s have the non-gruesome version.”

Ford sighed in relief. He wasn’t sure he could put her through that. “Right, yes, thank you. So I made a deal with Bill, foolish I know but I did. Once I realised my mistake I installed a metal plate into my head.”

“A metal plate? How did you do that?”

Ford’s mouth twisted tight. “That…that would be the gruesome bit.”

“Oh.” Mabel’s expression flitted between pained understanding and sympathy in quick succession. Ford felt a swell of pride bubble up at the notion. “Oh, OK, yeah ignore that question then.”

“Thank you. Well, I installed it and it meant that unless I shook Bill’s hand he couldn’t enter my mind and find out the information that he wanted. It also protected my mind from other things as well though, for instance the memory gun. So whilst I could get Bill trapped in my mind…”

“Grunkle Stan wouldn’t have been able to erase Bill from it.”

Ford opened up his arms at her despondent little voice, far too filled with acceptance for his liking. She crawled into his lap, burying herself into his coat again. If only he could keep her safe and protected from the world there. “No, he wouldn’t have been able to. Bill might have got stuck in my head but he would have been able to possess me still. He’d have gotten the information he wanted and I wouldn’t have been able to get him out again.”

“We would have lost you anyway and Bill would have won…”

Ford patted her head as a new sniffle escaped her. “It’s OK to think of ‘What if’s’ Mabel, I’m not surprised you wondered why it was Stan and not me and I really- I really do wish it had been the other way round. I summoned Bill in the first place, it was all my fault. I know I blamed Stan for a lot but really when I think back on everything.”

“It was Bill’s fault, no one else’s. He tricked us all.”

Ford closed his eyes, trying not to cry himself. She was too wise for her age and sometimes he was sure she didn’t even realise it. So caring and kind and yet right at this moment thinking she was a terrible person for asking the tough questions. How was it that he was meant to be comforting her and she still knew what to say to him? “I know it hurts, I wonder every day whether I could have done something else, something better but Stan chose this. He knew the consequences and he thought this was the best idea there was. And we did win. We did beat Bill and because of you I’ve got hope that Stan will come back to us one day.”

“R-really?”

“Of course. Who else would have got him remembering anything at all, if it wasn’t you with your scrap book?”

“I guess…”

“Guess nothing. _I know_. Without you, we’d have really lost Stan. Because of you, one day we’ll have him back, you just wait and see.”

They sat there for a while, Ford rocking them side to side and answering any more small comments that Mabel made. Mostly more reproaches at herself that he crushed, or small hopeful thoughts of the future that he encouraged.

It started to become peaceful, a small bubble out of reality for both of them, full of comfort and hope that they weren’t ready to leave quite yet, not with everything that had happened.

“Can…”

Ford blinked, pulling Mabel away from him so he could look her in the eye and make sure she knew every word was true. “Mabel, you never have to hesitate, you can ask anything.”

Mabel nodded up at him, biting her lip still before she snuggled back into his hug. “Can you tell me everything? Not the gruesome things but…everything else?”

Ford sighed, wrapping his arms tight around her as his mind spun with everything they’d accidentally kept hidden from her. How much had she blamed herself for being tricked by Bill when he himself had done the same all those years ago? How much could his painful stories have helped her accept all of this?

He’d only wanted to protect her.

“Yes, of course. I’m sorry I kept you in the dark for so long.”

“It’s OK, you didn’t mean to.”

“Doesn’t mean I didn’t though, Swee-” Ford cut himself off, biting his tongue as he inwardly cursed, ready for some kind of fallout.

“I’m sorry for yelling at you earlier. It’s nice when you call me that too. I was just upset.”

Ford smiled, curling up further around her again in relief. The smile fell as he thought through what he was about to say. “Right, now where do I begin…”

“You know, sometimes the start is the hardest part.”

A sad chuckle escaped him as she peeked up from the folds of his coat with a soft reassuring smile on her face.

“That it is, sweetie. That it is.”

**Author's Note:**

> AN: Poor bab ;.; Needed a moment to cope herself though ♥
> 
> For anyone who follows me - sorry I haven't written in a while. Real life hasn't been kind over the last few weeks. But I'm trying my best xx


End file.
